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VIII. On Courtship
“Un amant fait la court ou s’attache son coeur”.
Moliere
A woman really in love and sure of her lover delights in toying with a sort of coquetry of love; as if it pleased her to try to win over again that the winning of which gave so exquisite a pleasure. And perhaps The coquetry of love is the surest test of an unquestionable love. For When possession can afford to play at pursuit, this but proves possession complete. Sometimes An assumed love will resort to the pretty tricks of a real one, in order to assure its object—or to re-assure itself.
Surrender after a protracted siege has its advantages. At all events both M and N can look back to more demi-semi happy incidents when the courtship has been long.
Happy that couple can laugh over the incidents of courtship afterwards. ‘T is a portent of impending ill if they cannot.
Half-heartedness in courtship is not only suicidal, it is murderous. On the other hand, remember that In courtship there are various and varying stages. But there is always the home-gallop. Remember, too, that What is suitable at one stage of courtship is ruinous at another. And It is only the old whip who knows when to push the pace:
In courtship to force the running is hazardous. Though we win, the victory loses its sweets. And In courtship, men too often ride on the snaffle; in matrimony, too often on the curb.
Courtship asks for cash payment. Matrimony has often to allow unlimited credit. Insolvency is not unknown.
In courtship, all auxiliaries but the rival. No one will impede a lover save another lover.
In the presence of a woman, man is by nature a diffident animal. The women who recognize this are often the most successful. Indeed, Many are the refined and gentle women who in after life regret that they did not more openly cope with their less delicately-minded sisters.
Nevertheless,
Nothing is more astonishing than a woman’s tact in encouraging a man.
In courtship modulated and musical tones count for much. Who with harsh speech would assail a lady’s ear?
No woman thinks she can be wooed too often. And Few women can forgo an opportunity to fascinate.
In courtship the woman is the whole world to the man; in matrimony the man is the whole world to the woman.
In courtship the slightest suspicion of condescension is fatal. For True love is a greater leveler than anarchy.
In courtship, the wooer to the wooed is, in Juliet’s phrase, the god of her idolatry; in matrimony he is lucky if he is the idol of her deity.
It is a question which is the sweeter: a spontaneous courtship, or one that has sprung from friendship.
In a spontaneous courtship there is all the charm of novelty;
In a courtship that has grown out of affection there is all the trustfulness of friendship. But
Friendship and courtship are two totally distinct things:
In courtship, men and women meet on the flowery-thorny common of love;
In friendship, men and women invite each other over to their respective plots. So,
A friend will show a friend all over his domain;
A lover can but point out to the lover the flowers (and thorns) which grow in the soil to which they are both strangers. 162
It is an open question whether in matters pre-matrimonial, the mode of the French is not preferable to that of the Anglo-Saxon; whether, that is,
Prudence and prevision are not more certain harbingers of matrimonial happiness of matrimonial happiness than are impulse and passion.
The French couple, when wedded, are virtually strangers; the Anglo-Saxon have already together enacted some scenes of the matrimonial drama. Yet it is an open question also whether
A more durable domestic affection is not built up from the pristine foundation of total ignorance than from that of a partial acquaintanceship.
The American Elizabeth Patterson, before she became Madame Jerome Bonaparte, could write, “I love Jerome Bonaparte, and I prefer to be his wife, were it only for a day, to the happiest union.”
The continentalized Madame Jerome Bonaparte, twenty-six years after she had ceased to be Miss Elizabeth Patterson, could write “Do we not know how easily men and women free themselves from the fetters of love, and that only the stupid remain caught in these pretended bonds?” (1) After all,
Little do any couple know of each other before marriage. Besides Does not a delightful romance envelope the nuptials of strangers? At all events, even if precaution is a foe to impulse, few will be found to deny that
Strangeness is by no means inimical to passion. Perhaps, then,
Fathers and mothers and uncles and aunts can form a better judgment as to the suitability and adaptability to each other of two young, ardent, and headstrong boys and girls can these themselves; since Fathers and mothers and uncles and aunts know full well that impulse and passion often prove materials too friable for the many-storied fabric of marriage. At all events,
The French mode of contracting a marriage precludes the possibility of perilous and precocious affairs of the heart. Perhaps
The mistake that ardent and headstrong boys and girls make is in thinking that impulse and passion are the keys of Paradise. Their Elders know that impulse and passion are sometimes the keys of Purgatory.
Prudence and prevision are not keys to any supernal (or infernal) existence; they are merely guide-books to a terrestrial journey. At all events, it is significant that (which might be added as a lemma)
Widows rarely choose unwisely!
(1) Quoted by C. de Varigny in the “Revue des Deux Mondes” ofJanuary the 15th, 1893.
Over that much-bethought-of, much-surmised-about-thing, a proposal of marriage, every young woman weaves a pre-conceived halo of romance, but In nineteen cases out of twenty a proposal is either unexpected or disappointing; that is,
Many a girl has almost held her breath with anxiety as she saw the great question coming; then almost cried with vexation at the way it came.
